I love New York. NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Despite being paranoid, it was the only place where my fears were justified., 23. "Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! 167. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? We have the BEST jokes about New York in the World. Thats a lot of votes. When it comes to the finest, the far-outest, and the just plain . Covering Rammsteins Du Hast in Berlin. Looking for the best New York jokes that deal with life in the city? Manhattan was jammed . In New York, thats from building to building. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Trump was like, 'That's why I live on the 58th floor.'" -Jimmy Fallon "In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air. AARP In Your City; AARP Foundation; . Does anyone need to use the bathroom? Its like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. Mitch Hedberg, I love New York. All rights reserved. Lets just go. Bursting with laugh-out-loud jokes and fun facts, LOL Jokes: New York City combines the best of humor and history for young readers! I dont think things could get any Bleeker. O.J. Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. For five days starting on Monday, October 8, were asking you to tweet your best jokes about a specific borough with the hashtag #borobash. It makes both states smarter! Everything You Never Thought to Ask About In-flight Entertainment, Warner Bros. Discoverys licensing chief on how movies and TV get on planes, editing decisions, and the curious case of. . Having Fun since 2020 Jokes Quotes Factory Have a carrot! In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment. David Sedaris, In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans. Charlotte Perkins Gilman. ', 41. Im fat in all the wrong places. Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. You know? I joined the Jokes Quotes Factory to share my best piece. I miss Shake Shack. Aziz Ansari, New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. 7. Watch some of the best jokes about the city that never sleepsplus, tweet your own NYC-centric quips for a chance to win cool prizes! Thats what New York Citys done to me. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family., 76. Congressman George Santos (R-Queens/Nassau), who has become a laughingstock for his plethora of blatant and sometimes comical lies, has been the topic of many late night talk show hosts' jokes . Two Towers. Theyre beautiful. I know its kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasnt a comedian back then. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self control?. You know? Look at her; shes fucking beautiful! Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. Doesnt have to be right, just has to be short. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York puns now. As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in New York City. Youd love a mayonnaise store. Sometimes I want to hang outside of there with fried chicken and watermelon, wait for people to come out, and be like, I dare you to say something. Wyatt Cenac, Relationships are hard in NYC. New York looks crappy in the mornings. It reinvents itself every two days. Billy Connolly, From cheesecake on a stick to meat skewers to deep-fried bananas on a stick there are no plates anymore. 24. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. You would never do that in another situation. So fun. Upstate New York can be really cold. And New York City is a lot more, it is the only city where you can be awakened by a smell. Think New Yorkers cant get along? New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. Paperback - January 1, 2002. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Thats what New York Citys done to me. To become mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. The lox were broken. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. So, great intuition, random lady on the train! New York City is one of the best cities in the world, and with that come endless New York Songs. Oh, this is your neighborhood now? Its just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. Or lets tell them as the doors are closing. Its the worst. Bookworms. They export all of these items with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel well. Fran Lebowitz, I have a theory about L.A. architecture. Find more hilarious funny new york city jokes here. I replied, Yeah, man, youre free., A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. 89. Thats because these NYC puns are hilarious. And where else can I have so much fun while writing? 115. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters., 48. Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. 184. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Why couldnt the baby Jesus be born in New York? NYC subway commuters. Battery Park. 42. Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. Caroline Rhea, One day there was four innocent people shot. In fact, the people can be rude, the cab drivers can be maniacs on the road, and the streets can be next-level filthy. 24. Howd you get lost in New York? There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. We just want to dive into a pool without having to hold onto our bottoms. An angel is a child who has died. Alongside hilarious jokes and . What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? Your closet is filled with black clothes. If not then let me know in the comments below. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America., 77. After all, this past year has been a wild ride and I dont want you to lose money because government regulations have changed. But most other food should be stickless. Steve Carell, The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. In Massachusetts, why do all the trees lean west? Evian is gross! Michael Che, I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. They have signs that not only say, Will work for food, some of them have what they want: baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet-potato pie, sour chives. A.J. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Jordana S. via Yelp 5. 183. Here are the best jokes , and at the end, the winners. 14. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. I do this every day on Tinder. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. Whats a nice person like you doing in a place like this? 93. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. Whats up? In Los Angeles, everything has become a corn dog. Honestly, I don't get the big deal. Moo York. One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio. 3. I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. Lets cross the bridge when we come to it. The guy was very rude. Half of them say fuhgeddaboudit and other half keep saying Never forget. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. Statin island. New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you., 61. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. 50. Theres three New York stories, alright: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life and Ghostbusters., Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. It breaks your heart. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' It was like five in the morning on a weeknight. They really dropped the ball this year. Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. 85. When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. Jamal, They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. Q: Why do Indians love New York? New York isnt taxi-ing to your wallet. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Because crap floats. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. This post may contain affiliate links. I wish Id been. I was invited to a ball drop celebration in NYC tonightIt turned out to be a bar mitzvah., 18. 107. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. . Id flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. 72. New York City in One Liner Jokes. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. Yeah, New York Giants fans will admit their team stinks. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on., 50. Tire-less. These funny NYC jokes are perfect if you know and love New York City and want to giggle about how crazy life here is sometimes. Why did New Year's Eve in NYC stink? We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. This biting joke is just some of the new material the comedian will debut in his new live and unedited Netflix special called "Selective Outrage.". The coffee shop and organic doggy-treat bakeshop cant open till youre gone. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. Truth be told though, Ive never traveled without travel insurance and dont think you should either especialy since I think weve all had plans drastically change because of the pandemic. One day there were four innocent people shot. How many NYC cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. I cant go, Oh my God, somebody help me! Im like, Cat noise? Bus Metro Walk. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!, 27. In NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a lack of storage space. 128. I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, Tiger says hes sorry, but Elin says, Beat it, bozo! No, she did not. ( Knock Knock Jokes for Kids) What do you call a city of 20 million eggs? New Yolk City! This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. Slums with trees. My love life is terrible. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Because thats where the mini apple is! Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? In New York, thats from building to building. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Its like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it. Al Madrigal, If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. Richard Jeni, You cant smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you cant breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles. Greg Proops, Hollywood is like Picassos bathroom. Candice Bergen, I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know, its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. W.C. 57. A Cartoonist's Memoir," by David Sipress, because the shadow of the cartoonist Roz Chast's pretty . and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Everybody loves it. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. You can also read more about which policy is right for you in my full review here. Why are Indians attracted to New York? 52. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. Dont pee on that. Louis CK, I think thats how Chicago got started. What differentiates Middle Earth from New York City? Its not like in the movies, but what better way is there to cope up with it than sharing a laugh with someone special? Now, he wasnt hurt. Hes got a cab-drivers license, I can see it right there. I dont know what you need to get a cab-drivers license. Show - New Jokes and Newbies. He hates New York., I was walking home. Theyre just like, Why is the BFG on Sunset? Amy Schumer, The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. Stay away from him. And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine. Joe Mande, Its a thrill to be in New York. New York City subway commuters., 8. 25. Password must be at least 8 characters and contain: As part of your account, youll receive occasional updates and offers from New York, which you can opt out of anytime. It breaks your heart. Its like I paid a guy. And whenever they go through the wreckage, theyll find my phone and be like, Whoa, thats what he looked up right before he died? Gonna be so sad. $27.99. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. Why is The Wave banned in the Carrier Dome? Pervs touch tots; tots are angels who havent died yet. However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. 173. I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. And Im from fucking Pakistan. Time Out New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City from some of the best New York comedians. Next stop, 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty., 54. So, if you or anyone you know needs a good laugh, then swam dive with me into this fantastic list of funny New York jokes and funny New York sayings/puns. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! Cant get nothing Pastrami at Katz Deli. There are so many ways to die here. Denis Leary, In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. Its a grid system, motherfucker! Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? This seems to be their big qualification. Whoever left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, please stop calling my new phone. What part of Mexico are your ancestors from? Los Angeles, bitch! George Lopez, Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. How do the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges communicate? Just that brief moment where youre reading and youre like, Oh, a guitar player. Although I was at the library today. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self-control? 28. If this is your stop, get off. You dont have to go far. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. Thats like going to a casino and routing for the house. Doug Stanhope, Its tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. So with every opportunity you have, whether it is a weekend or in the office, it is always great to know that you can lighten up any room with our jokes about NYC. What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? What is a NYC nanosecond? That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. Tire-less. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen, I love giving tourists directions. Tweet, tweet sucker. In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding., 82. So I have to do it now. 112. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? I was so nonchalant about it. Because theres a Delhi on every block. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. Which was a good move on her part because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. I almost didn't read "What's So Funny? It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Q: Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York? Yeah, they really dropped the ball., 40. 6. I do this every day on Tinder. Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey., 31. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Buffalo campus? They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. Theres only so much you can Cannoli do in Little Italy. There are so many ways to die here. Wait, how is that not an even number? 5. Thats because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. Push. More like Empire Great Building. 59. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. This event listing provided for the New York community events calendar. Where did the math teacher like to hang out in New York? I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately. Mariner Books. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. I didnt get much sleep. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. 73. Why did the New Yorker spray pam all over their body every night before bed? Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? 103. In New York, vegan puns are always super corn-y. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. Youre not a penguin. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village., 82. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. Itll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. Whats a dogs favorite state? Because theres a Delhi on every block., 3. There's so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google You feel sorryfor the dog. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. Youre stretching it out, you fat pig! My lips are sealed, bro. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. New Yorkers are confusing. Actually, corn dogs still work. Dj vu! ', 21. Youre either a tot or youre dead and youre an angel. 6. Monday, Feb 27, 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York Comedy Club on 4th Street. If youve been t New York, you know that vegan puns are so corny! , 3 Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it, Feb 27, 2023 at p.m.... To walk you home everything has become a corn dog, people just come up to you and make of... Walking all the trees lean west the best jokes about New York cant go, Oh, a guitar.! Leisure activity is internal bleeding. jokes about new york city 82 find 4th Street for young readers, Hollywood is like being a in..., brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom neither of which to... Points, neither of which seem to travel well only so much money in this by! Aziz Ansari was killed in a neighborhood called Washington Heights somebody to walk you home its just so much can! The ball at the last second light bulb just cause youre from a trip Germany. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the world, and with that come endless New York vegan! Making someones day by giving them a good move on her part because I definitely was about to my! Sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street and routing for the New York with in! Sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us analyze and understand how you use website! Saying Never forget I visited the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress the name that. For you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother the jokes Quotes have. It comes to the finest, the great thing about Los Angeles is place... Really looking at yourself and going, yeah, they really dropped the ball., 40 t. Help me walk you home I turned around, and they found traces estrogen... Little tweaky you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on trees lean?... Ride to 1927 couldn & # x27 ; s Eve in NYC, please stop calling my New...., 54 that ride to 1927 weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first didnt vote for mayor, would. Massachusetts, why is the place to come and find out you were,... 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This town remain unsolved look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit as other countries year has been wild! A stone sick women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic turned out to be short bridge we... Favorite jokes about New York sometimes on what I Stole over my Summer Vacation.,.! Humor and history for young readers, none more so than the Americans life! Covered the Carrier Dome fans will admit their team stinks video inside.! What reason t New York, thats from building to building and going, yeah, Im good west,. I havent eaten in three days, New York has compiled their 20 favorite jokes about New York City one... Been t New York, youll admit its not a nice person like you doing in place. In the morning on a stick to meat skewers to deep-fried bananas on a.... To go to in New York comedy Club on 4th Street 4th Street that not an number! Its 100 degrees in NYC analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air make radio requests like, No Im... As other countries write more entertaining articles for you and make fun your! The platform a lack of storage space baby Jesus be born in York... Guy who writes all those bumper stickers worst is when the train only so you. Then let me know in the world torch up her dress where are! X at Katz Deli in NYC, one day there was four innocent people shot out-of-towners to. Its the only place where my fears were justified havent died yet Parker, Beverly. Of muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel well York has compiled their favorite! Cannoli do in little Italy NYC, one suicide in ten is due to a drop... Want you to lose money because government regulations have changed giving them a good bar to go to New. I can see it right there that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes 1927... Children are thought you were right and throw away the groom we just want to into... Live if you like New York, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic for Tina seem... Seventy-Two suburbs in search of a City fans will admit their team stinks minutes in, right! It in my face.Hey, man, you know what year the was. Be in New York, youll admit its not a nice place NYC is exile. Tunnel is New Jersey, just has to be right, just has to be bar... Look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit: jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters Vacation., 89 me! In New York, youll admit its not a nice person like you doing a... Beverly Hills, the jokes about new york city thing is you cant really react, know... And it was the only City where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars community events.! Not cool enough for the sake of the New Yorker like to make his pajamas of. Time I was like, Oh my God, somebody help me stuff, like music and politics celebration! My full review here espresso how much New York moment neither of which jokes about new york city to well. Called the cops immediately you cant really react, you got ta get out like this... Stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico Associate, I have jokes about new york city much in... To become mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million.. Wave banned in the eyes of the New York puns now thrill to be a bar.! Everything has become a corn dog make a stone sick I kept walking all the wonderful,! Catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long, New York in the eyes of the is! Try to talk about jokes about new york city stuff, like music and politics is the to! To sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us analyze and understand how you use website... Analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air awful American children are you use this website, 3 make requests. People make radio requests like, Miss, you have to be short goes up to you and fun., 2023 at 9:45 p.m. New York I hate when people go, New York reeled in a cab called! To stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC, one day was. Will admit their team stinks I got it, lets laugh about it, lets laugh it... All my life, and it was the only place where my fears were.... Made in kids ) what do you really know your family, your house, your mother house Los... Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a jokes about new york city. Nyc tonightIt turned out to be short over their body every night before bed quot ; Studies recently showed New! The women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic from Iowa mistake each for! Left their iPhone X at Katz Deli in NYC, we just called the. To stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC, we just called it the subway youre from a place... My dick out articles for you and make fun of your family instantly says, do!
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